Martians
by ohwhatsherface
Summary: Naruto, Sakura, and a special kind of bond. 04. Why don't you just send me to a nunnery while you're at it?
1. don't try eating that

**Note:** Okay, so Naruto and Sakura are basically my brotp. I love their dynamic as friends and think they need some more friendship!fics, so I'm gonna write seven of them. Feel free to read these romantically if that's your thing, but I personally ship Naruto with anyone but Sakura (or Sasuke) and then Sakura with anyone but Naruto. So interpret as you will! Enjoy!  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto.

"So where exactly should I hand over my Man Card?"

Sakura rolled her eyes in lieu of elbowing Naruto in the gut like her arm was twitching to do. She released a relaxed sigh as the woman working on her feet dipped one foot back into the hot water to work on the other. Everything was good. No amount of nagging from Naruto would annoy her because Sakura was having a mani-pedi and _everything was good_.

"Sakura-chan, you have to make sure they don't put any colour on me, okay? _Okay_?"

Clenching her teeth, Sakura opened her eyes to slant a dirty look Naruto's way. "Stop. Talking."

He pouted at her. "But Sakura-chan!"

Sakura couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips at the sight of him. The blond sat sprawled out on the massaging chair with his sleeves and pant legs rolled up. There were women all around him. Two were working on each of his hands and one was by his feet picking away at his cuticles. He would have looked rather comfortable in his fluffy white robe had it not been for the clear distress written all over her face. Sakura chuckled and Naruto couldn't help but pout.

"Relax, Naruto," Sakura said with a smile. She leaned back into her own seat, groaning happily as the balls in the chair rolled along her back. "Just enjoy the pampering. Don't you feel like a princess?"

"Right. A _princess_." He snorted. "That doesn't make me feel any better."

"You mean it doesn't make you feel any _manlier_?" she teased, winking at him.

Naruto only pouted. "This is _weird_, Sakura-chan."

Sakura didn't seem to care. In fact, the only thing that seemed to matter to her was the foot scrub going taking place. "Like a I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-hands weird?"

"Like an I-like-this-but-_should_-I-like-this weird!"

Sakura laughed. "Well, then that's fine!"

"It's _not_ fine!" Naruto yelled, startling the woman at his feet and causing her to drop his foot. When she gave him a dirty look before resuming the pedicure, Naruto at least had the grace to look somewhat embarrassed. "Sakura-chan…"

"Ugh. _What_, Naruto?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I just felt myself grow some ovaries."

Having had enough, Sakura reached over to grab Naruto by the front of his robe. Holding him with her unpainted hand, she held the other spread wide open, promising a smack in the head. "Stop being a little baby or I will _slap you silly_!" She let him go and settled back into her chair so the woman could work on painting her other hand a lovely shade of jade. She didn't understand Naruto's whining, anyway.

_He_ was the one who insisted he join her. When she declined his invite to go train because she wanted to get a mani-pedi, his eyes widened and he looked thoughtful for a good minute before tugging at her hand like a child and declaring that he would be joining her.

"Naruto," Sakura called out. Her eyes were closed and she was leaning into the massaging chair. "Why the heck would you come for a mani-pedi if you knew you'd be complaining so much?" When he failed to reply or make any sort of noise, Sakura opened an eye to glance at him. She frowned worriedly at the flush on his face. "Naruto?"

"…I, um, thought a 'mani-pedi' was some sort of food."

Sakura only resisted facepalming in fear of ruining her manicure.


	2. don't open the scroll

**Note:** I posted the first scene of this on my lj a long time ago when I realized I'd never finish this. Basically, I'd been inspired by the Edolas arc of _Fairy Tail_ and wanted to have Naruto and Sakura explore their opposite world (where Sasuke would have been like Edolas!Gray), but then _Road to Ninja_ became a thing and yes. No, this isn't meant to be like _RtN_, however. I want them to be literal opposites.  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto

* * *

"So this is obviously _your_ fault."

"WHAT? _HOW_?"

"Uh, because you _opened it_ when shishou _and_ Kaka-sensei fully told us over and over again _not_ to!"

"Irrelevant. And besides, you agreed!"

"...irrelevant."

The entire walk back to Konoha had gone like so. And it was Naruto's fault. Sakura was pissed. Very pissed. They were given a typical go-get-that-scroll-okay-thanks mission because Naruto was still a puny little _genin_, much to Sakura's annoyance. And it wasn't like it was any super cool scroll of doom hidden with layers upon layers upon layers of traps and that had rabid missing-nin looking for it as well.

Nope.

It was in a freaking cave behind a waterfall. The only injury gotten from the mission was from when Naruto the Ninja and Future Hokage _slipped and fell_ because the rocks were wet. Idiot.

"I hate you."

"_Thank you_, Sakura-chan, I heard you the first twenty-seven times."

Then it was like the chuunin exams all over again, with Naruto saying they should open the scroll, and Sakura barely resisting. This time, however, there was no sudden appearance of Kabuto. Or Sasuke. Rather there was a cliché blinding white light and _holy crap_, the scroll disappeared.

Which meant one thing: Mission Failure.

Neither of them was pleased.

"I h—"

"_I know_."

So they trekked back to Konoha, trying to think of a believable excuse as to why they didn't have the scroll and why no one else could go do their mission for them because the scroll was _gone_.

"...we can say a bear ate it," Naruto suggested, breaking the silence. "Bears are evil."

Sakura stared at him in a way that made him expect a mean left hook and some screeching. Instead, she sighed.

"Sure, why not?"

* * *

"So a _bear_ ate it?"

"Yes."

"Indeed."

Naruto and Sakura shifted uncomfortably under Tsunade's scrutiny. She continued to stare them down but neither made any sudden movements. "Really? _Really_? That's what the two of you want to go with? That a 'bear ate it'?"

Naruto had the gall to look hurt. "How could you say that? A bear _did_ eat it—"

"Get out."

Sakura was about to whack Naruto when Tsunade made the order. "Pardon, shishou?"

Tsunade simply shook her head. "There is a set amount of Stupid I can handle in one day, and I had to deal with it earlier when dealing with your other teammate, so the two of you, go. Now."

"Right away, shishou!"

Sakura grabbed Naruto, ready to pull him about when Tsunade called her name. She looked back at her master curiously and the older woman only shook her head. "You might want to do a little more training, Sakura. You look like you're softening up."

She tried not to look too offended. "Um. Okay."

Tsunade nodded. "And by the way, I like what you did with your hair."

Thoroughly freaked out, Sakura simply nodded. "Thank you?" she said before dragging Naruto out. The two then fled the Hokage Tower and shared a high five on the success of their bear excuse.

"Who would've thought the old lady would fall for that?" Naruto said with a laugh as they walked to Ichiraku for some celebratory ramen.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "She obviously didn't, but—"

"SAKURA-CHAN!"

Sakura turned around to see whoever called her but was suddenly knocked over when someone launched onto her, wrapping their arms around her torso. She grunted when she hit the ground and gave her attacker a dirty look. She opened her mouth to tell him off but stopped short when she saw who was on top of her.

"_S—Sasuke-kun_?"

The boy in question blushed at the moniker. "Did you just call me 'Sasuke-kun'?" he asked dreamily. He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, torn between hugging her to him and holding his cheeks as he gushed. "I knew you'd see the light, Sakura-chan! Now we can go on a date andandand—" He suddenly turned a shade of purple before _passing out_.

Naruto and Sakura were too shocked to speak.

"…what the actual fuck just happened?"

"I have no idea. What the hell?"

"Sasuke is in Konoha," Naruto said slowly. "And he was acting like a moron. And he just _fainted_."

Sakura mirrored his wary expression. "Something isn't right…" And she had a feeling this had to do with that scroll they weren't supposed to open.

Naruto looked around their current setting, trying to find some sort of clue. "I think—" He was cut off, however, when someone kicked him from behind, sending him toppling over Sasuke's passed out form. He was about to complain about the random people tackling he and Sakura when someone spoke.

"Oi, Naruto! Sasuke! You two idiots better have a good excuse for why you're late to training!"

Naruto and Sakura let out a gasp when they got a good look at Naruto's attacker because standing before them was a girl with waist-length hair, too much skin showing, and an axe that looked ready to do some damage. But most disturbing of all, she looked _exactly_ like Sakura.

They were screwed.


	3. don't do this to my heart

**Note:** Naruto is basically me here. I spent my break watching Avatar and basically everything hurts.  
**Warning: **Yeah, yeah, I'm not subtle about the ships I love… WHATEVER.  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto. Or Avatar. Or that show they watch in the end which I commend anyone for recognizing based on its opening scene. Or any other referenced things.

* * *

"This is Netflix," Naruto said, gesturing to the red screen. He put his feet up on the coffee table and went through the picks suggested for him with the PS3 controller, while Sakura sat at the edge of the couch, evidently uncomfortable on Naruto's orange sofa decorated by Naruto's used socks, shirts, and what looked like underwear.

Ugh.

"You live in utter _filth_," Sakura drawled.

Naruto rolled his eyes and pushed the pieces of clothing behind the couch. When Sakura merely raised an eyebrow at him, he shrugged. "Out of sight, out of mind?" he reasoned. He turned back to the television and grinned. "Now as I was saying, this is Netflix. It's basically the coolest thing in the history of ever."

"Ever?"

"_Ever_."

Sakura snorted, but couldn't help her grin. Fine. She leaned back and allowed herself to pretend that there wasn't a weird smell coming from the orange cushions. "So what are we watching?"

"Dunno," Naruto replied. He slouched beside her. "What are you feeling like?"

"Rom-com?"

"Gross! No way, Sakura-chan!"

She smiled. She'd only suggested a romance to get a reaction. "Horror?"

But Naruto looked a bit put out. "I'd rather not…"

Knowing why, Sakura sighed. She'd seen the list of recently watched movies on the screen. "You watched all the Saw films last night by yourself, didn't you?"

"_No_." At her pointed look, he shrugged. "Last night _and_ this morning. God, Sakura-chan, you're so stupid."

"Oh!" She immediately perked up. "Mean Girls!"

"No."

"But—"

"_No_. You've made me watch that with you _seven_ times!"

Sakura scowled. "Fine!" She ripped the controller out of his hands and began scrolling through some television shows. "Oh, what about Avatar?"

But as soon as the words came out of her mouth, Sakura regretted saying them. She winced and prayed for patience. Next, she heard the sharp intake of breath and saw Naruto's hands rise in a but-why-would-you-_even_ motion as his face crumpled and he let out ugly sobbing noises. Sakura sighed. The first time this happened, she'd simply punched Naruto, but eventually she came to realize that to Naruto… well, this was a serious issue.

"Naruto—"

"No, Sakura-chan."

She bit back a groan. "Naruto—"

"There are many things I can accept, Sakura-chan!" Naruto said brokenly. "Fine, I don't have a flying bison—"

"Giant. Frogs."

"—and fine, maybe I'm not an earthbender—"

"You're pretty much an airbender…"

"—and hell, I can even deal with not being the Avatar—"

"Really? _Really_?"

"—but _WHY DID MY OTP NOT END UP TOGETHER_?!" Naruto roared. He made something of a whimper before flailing and then promptly falling over into to Sakura's lap. Rolling her eyes, Sakura did what was necessary and began to gently stroke his hair, knowing that this was a Legit Serious Issue. "I just don't understand," Naruto whined. "I was so sure it would happen."

"There, there…" Sakura mumbled, patting Naruto with one hand and selecting a happier episode to watch with the other (well _hello_ The Blind Bandit).

"Everything hurts, Sakura-chan."

"It'll get better."

"_WILL IT_?! ZUTARA ISN'T A JOKE, SAKURA-CHAN. IT'S EVERYTHING. _EVERYTHING_. IT—IT—IT WAS _SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN_. I LEGIT WATCHED SOZIN'S COMET EXPECTING THEM TO LIKE KISS OR SOMETHING. I WAS SO CONFUSED WHEN MAI KISSED ZUKO AND NOTHING IS RIGHT AND EVERYTHING IS WRONG AND I CANNOT DO THIS. I CANNOT EVEN. I JUST CAN'T, SAKURA-CHAN."

Sakura sighed for the umpteenth time and hit play for the show she settled on. The screen was black before a creepy looking house appeared, followed by a little girl in a yellow dress standing in front of it.

Suddenly, Naruto was distracted. "Oh, my god, it's a little girl!" he shrieked. The little girl turned around and Naruto's face crumpled. "Sakura-chan!"

"_Excuse me_," the little girl said to the approaching boys on screen. They were about to enter the clearly haunted house when she added, "_You're going to die in there_."

"OH, MY GOD." Naruto glared at Sakura, utterly betrayed. "Sakura-chan! Why would you _even_?!"

"To get your mind off of things!" she lied.

"BY PLAYING A HORROR SHOW?!"

Sakura shrugged and slouched back, looking away as the utterly terrifying opening credits scene that she could never bear to watch came on, prompting a few more screams from Naruto.

She smiled at him, ignoring his angry stare. "Out of sight, out of mind?"

"NO!"


	4. don't tell me what to do

**Warning:** a story about Naruto and Sakura that doesn't involve romance - at least between the two of them, that is  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

* * *

"So he tried to make conversation with me, okay? And I was like 'Oh, hi, who are you?' and he said his name and ugh, he started _talking_ again—"

"Wait," Naruto interrupted. "What was his name?"

Sakura looked annoyed. "I don't know. Why would I?"

"Maybe because he _told_ you," he pointed out.

"Pft." Sakura rolled her eyes. "_Anyway_, I don't understand what was wrong with him. Clearly, '_who are you?_' does not translate into '_why are you still talking to me?_' in Boy."

As much as Sakura's stories amused Naruto and made good tales for the road, he couldn't help but think... well, that she was kind of _cruel_ to the men that found the balls to talk to her. She was growing into a beautiful young woman, and her reputation alone was enough to send potential candidates running away from her in fear. It was bad enough that she _seemed_ intimidating, but when she put on her bitch front...

"Sakura-chan, I'm going to tell it to you straight," Naruto said. He stopped walking and put his hands on her shoulders. "You. Are. A. _Bitch_."

Sakura did not look fazed. At all. "Um. Okay?"

"NO!" Naruto yelled. "_Not_ okay! You are _cruel_ to these guys. _CRUEL_, I SAY. YOU—" He stopped to take a breath. Also, he was working on this thing where he would think before speaking so now was as good a time as ever to try! "What I'm trying to say, Sakura-chan, is that maybe you should be nicer to the men who approach you."

"Why?" Sakura asked, genuinely confused.

"Because you're _mean_!" Naruto said. "You break their hearts like it's a _game_. Look, you have a grudge. I know you got screwed over in the past by _one guy_—"

"Do _not_ go there," Sakura hissed.

"—but that doesn't give you the right to take it out on every guy who tries to flirt with you!"

"I do not have a grudge," she vehemently denied, "nor am I bitter because some guy left me a bench—"

"I never said that."

"—you are just delusional." Sakura took a deep, calming breath. "I just... I know what I want and I don't." Sakura smiled. "It's as simple as that. It's not _my_ fault guys fail to meet my standards."

"UM, YES IT IS."

"UGH, STOP TRYING TO _FATHER_ ME, NARUTO. GO _AWAY_."


End file.
